When the Filter Fades

Somewhere between perimenopause and the morning cup of tea, I noticed it: the filter was slipping. Slowly at first, then all at once. And I realised, I’d been watching it happen long before it happened to me.

My mum. Oh, my mum. She was the trailblazer of what I now affectionately call the Filter Fade. I spent much of my youth equal parts horrified and fascinated. There were the random conversations with strangers on buses and trains, the gardening outfits that made her look like an extra from Last of the Summer Wine, and, my personal favourite, the hospital appointment where she casually shared her morning shower routine with a waiting room full of patients. No one asked. No one prompted. She just fancied a chat.

Back then, I thought: This is mortifying. I mean, who announces their showering habits in public? And yet, watching her, I also caught glimpses of something else: a deep, unapologetic freedom.

Fast forward a few decades, and I’ve noticed the filter slipping in my own life. I don’t bother with makeup when I don’t feel like it. I wear what’s practical in the garden and stop worrying about what anyone thinks. I say no to things I don’t want to do. And I can chat to strangers with a lightness I never allowed myself before. But don’t get me wrong, some boundaries remain sacred. Your personal hygiene routine? That stays in the bathroom, thank you very much.

I’ve found inspiration, and a lot of laughs, in Melanie Sanders @justbeingmelani, founder of the We Do Not Care Club on Instagram. Her comical but painfully honest reflections on the waning urge to please everyone resonate with anyone navigating perimenopause. Because, let’s face it, there’s a certain relief in realising that the world doesn’t need a perfectly curated, always-smiling version of you.

And while it’s funny and liberating, there’s also science behind this Filter Fade. Hormonal shifts, brain rewiring, burnout, and the sheer limits of our capacity all conspire to make us slightly braver, slightly bolder, and sometimes, slightly oblivious to how others perceive us. In short, the filter isn’t broken. It’s evolving.

So maybe perimenopause isn’t just about hot flushes and sleepless nights. Maybe it’s about a quiet kind of freedom. About talking to strangers, wearing sensible shoes, elasticated waist trousers and realising that the world won’t end if you say no. And maybe, just maybe, it’s about letting go enough to enjoy the occasional cringe, because life is far too short to worry about everyone else’s opinions.

This informative article called, Aging Out of Fucks: The Neuroscience of Why You Suddenly Can’t Pretend Anymore, was written by Ellen Scherr, a licensed clinical therapist (LCPC) who helps women over 40 rebuild their lives when the old version stops fitting. www.lifebranches.com

Photo: From my personal collection. This photo is of me with my mum having a day out in London, which we both loved doing a couple of times a year. We had so many laughs together. I can guarantee she would have chatted with strangers throughout the train journey.

I dedicate this post to my mum, who was the life and soul of the party and had an endless capacity for empathy and kindness, even to strangers, but also, in later life, lived without worrying what others thought of her.